the good, the bad, and the ugly

So I've been meaning to post for a long time.  Remember the saying your mom used to remind you of when you were a kid, "if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all"?  Thats pretty much how I've been feeling about blogging.

I am really good at faking it...I always have been and its been part whats made me unhappy in the long-term, throughout the years.  I sugar-coat...everything is fine, its going to be fine, I am feeling fine...I can fix this and MAKE it fine.  But I keep having to remind myself of a very candid converation between me and me in January of this year...that I was JUST going to be honest about things going forward.  To everyone.  About everything.  It was like a huge weight of my shoulders and I felt empowered.  But for some reason I find myself resorting to my old ways...just trying to put of a postitive front.  Maybe if I can fool everyone else, I can fool myself. 

Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of good in my life, I know that.  And all in all, I am in a good place in my life, but I definitely have some downs in there too.  And I don't feel like I can completely be myself if I don't embrace the downs and share them as part of me and what makes me ME.  This means on my blog, to my family and most importantly TO MYELF.

This whole transitioning into being a single mom in a whole other country, far-far-away from my family, appears to have sooooo many different stages.  And I don't know when (if ever) I will completely get through the process and be settled into my new life.  I am coming to terms with that...or I should say, I am working on coming to terms with that now. 

Moving into my own place was a big adjustment, then my parents were here and helped me get settled and I LOVED my time with them.  Then they left...  Then I had to adjust to being on my own again.  And Ex and I have shared custody of Nell...so I am adjusting to having her 50% of the time...which is also hard.  There are so many adjustments and minor tuning to do here...  Some days I feel like I have it down and some days I struggle to accept and undstand whats going on.

But I am trying to settle in.  The fall is here, pre-school has started, summer vacations are far behind us, and we are falling into routines.  This is not temporary.  THIS will be the routine of things going forward and I am trying to embrace it all and figure out what will get done, and when!

As if I'm not busy enough with shuttling my little one to b-hage, traveling 3 hours to and from work every day, grocery shopping (NO car!), washing clothes, doing dishes (NO dishwasher!), making lunches, doing arts and crafts...I have also JOINED the GYM!  Yipee!  I have joined one that is about a 7 min walk from home and more importantly, I walk past it on my way home from work.  So most days I train on my way home instead of having to go home and head back down the hill to the gym.  I have also treated myself to a personal trainer (Christina).  COSTLY (seriously, like crazy expensive) but I have some back trouble and just sprained my ankle recently...and I could use someone to help me put together a great workout plan for myself...one that I don't get bored with after like 2 seconds! 

So I have met with my PT twice already and my minimum workout goal for each week is 3 times.  I've been going as planned for the past week, and have even taken Nell with me to "play with Jim", as she calls it.  Nell loves the playroom there and there is a babysitter with the kids, so its a great opportunity for me to train even on the weekends when I've got my girl.  Tonight I train with my PT for the second time and she's going to evaluate my progress and see what changes we should make.  I'm excited about it...REALLY excited about it!

So anyway, I just wanted to throw some thoughts and feelings out onto my blog today so that I can get back into more regular updates, already.  Some will be happy, some will be sad, some will be more blase.  But I WILL try to write, no matter how or what I'm feeling.  I need this outlet...and I don't want it to be a front of how I wish I were feeling, or how I think I should feel.  Going to try to keep it real.

ALSO used this opportunity to thow a whole bunch of Nell pics out there for you!  What a character, right?!  Just loving her to BITS!